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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24506947">Art Thou Nasty</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainWeasley/pseuds/CaptainWeasley'>CaptainWeasley</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Falling In Love, Geralt is horny on main, Jaskier is wearing those medieval booty shorts, M/M, Meet-Cute, Renaissance Faires, Yen and Geralt are best friends, also he's love-starved on main, everybody's gay, geralt is a big softie, this is self-indulgent nonsense, you know which ones I'm talking about</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:35:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,852</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24506947</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainWeasley/pseuds/CaptainWeasley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Geralt and Yennefer have been going to Ren Faires together for a while. This time, however, Geralt runs into a hot twink in a ridiculous outfit and he <i>might</i> be falling in love with him...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>413</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Art Thou Nasty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Inspired by <a href="https://justanotherqueerboy.tumblr.com/post/612491699643662336/and-then-what-happened-being-a-dumb-goth-boy">this infamous cosplay</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Geralt was walking next to Yennefer, taking in their surroundings. Yen's dress was spectacular as always, she dressed up for every faire like her life depended on it. Geralt himself was in his usual black on black ensemble, his sword strapped to his back.<br/>
</p><p>The faire was in full swing, music and voices filled the air, and the smell of food was reminding Geralt that he had barely eaten anything that day. There was a sword fight performance happening on the main stage, but Geralt took one look at it and decided that this was more for the entertainment of the children than anybody else, the moves were all very basic.<br/>
</p><p>Well, it was still early in the afternoon, and according to the program, there were some treats coming up. Secretly, Geralt was looking forward to the performance of a band that was supposed to take place later in the day. He hadn't told Yen he wanted to see them, because Yen hated the band with a passion. <i>The Dandelions, what a stupid name,</i> she liked to say every time the topic came up.<br/>
</p><p>Geralt had listened to some of their songs on YouTube and thought they were actually quite good. Well, he had to wait and see whether their live performance lived up to their videos.<br/>
</p><p>"Oh look, there's Triss!" Yen waved at her girlfriend, who was also wearing a beautiful dress, sitting behind a table where she sold her handmade jewellery.<br/>
</p><p>Geralt gave Triss a polite nod, then turned to Yennefer.<br/>
</p><p>"I'm going to get something to eat," he announced. "You want anything?"<br/>
</p><p>"Yes, please," she said with a smile. "One of those bread things if they have them."<br/>
</p><p>Geralt nodded. He'd known Yennefer long enough to know exactly what she meant by that.<br/>
</p><p>He made his way over to the cart where they sold freshly baked bread with different fillings, his mind wandering.<br/>
</p><p>Only when he was already standing in line did he really take notice of the man in front of him: even for a renaissance faire, he was outrageously dressed, in a colourful jacket that was tailored to fit him exactly, and shorts of the same fabric with the words <i>Art Thou Nasty</i> stitched on the ass. A matching hat and over-the-knee dark boots completed the ensemble.<br/>
</p><p>For a moment, Geralt felt like his brain had stopped functioning. Then, he caught himself staring at the stranger's ass and forced himself to look elsewhere. He didn't like making a fool of himself in public. However, Geralt couldn't help hoping that the man would turn around so he could see his face, and find out if it was just as lovely as the view from the back.<br/>
</p><p>The moment came sooner than Geralt had anticipated, in the form of a woman behind them shouting, "Hey, Julian," and the man turning around.<br/>
</p><p>There was only one thought inside Geralt's head.<br/>
</p><p><i>Fuck.</i><br/>
</p><p>The man was gorgeous: his face flawless, his eyes piercing and beautiful; he was one of those guys that Geralt dreamed of while knowing they were way out of his league.<br/>
</p><p>He—Julian, apparently—had a wonderful smile that lit up his whole face, and he greeted the woman with a tight hug.<br/>
</p><p>"Hello, sunshine, what's up?"<br/>
</p><p>"It's Marcus, he wants to go over the list again..."<br/>
</p><p>Julian groaned.<br/>
</p><p>"We've been over the whole thing a million times! Please, tell him to let me eat in peace, I just need ten minutes to myself, okay?"<br/>
</p><p>"Well, I already told him, but I think he's close to a breakdown or something, it's his first big gig and all that, Julian, you have to talk to him!"<br/>
</p><p>Geralt could see Julian eyeing the bread hungrily, there were five customers between him and the food and the desperation was clearly visible on his face.<br/>
</p><p>Against his better judgement, Geralt spoke.<br/>
</p><p>"I can get your food for you. Just tell me where I can find you."<br/>
</p><p>He didn't exactly have a way with words, and as soon as he'd spoken, he wished he had kept his mouth shut.<br/>
</p><p>Julian turned to look at him, though, and there was a flicker of something in his eyes—maybe it was admiration? No, that had to be wishful thinking.<br/>
</p><p>"You would? Oh, that's so sweet of you! Thank you!"<br/>
</p><p>Julian handed him a crumpled bill.<br/>
</p><p>"I'll take the one with cheese and grilled leeks. We're over by the trailers. The one with the big flower on it!"<br/>
</p><p>And then, he and the woman were walking away, and Geralt could only stare at his legs in those ridiculous boots. What a sight. He could only imagine what that man looked like <i>without</i> all those clothes...<br/>
</p><p>Then, he shook his head. Getting his hopes up too soon had always been his biggest mistake. He had to keep his emotions out of this, otherwise he'd only get hurt again, and he really wasn't in the mood for that today.<br/>
</p><p>He bought food for himself, Yennefer and Julian, then went in search of Yen. She was still talking to Triss, and Geralt had the definite feeling of butting into a conversation that he wasn't supposed to be a part of, judging by the way the two stopped talking when he approached them. Yen thanked him, much more politely than usual (Geralt supposed that was because of Triss watching), then looked critically at Geralt.<br/>
</p><p>"Why'd you get two for yourself? Isn't that overdoing it a bit?"<br/>
</p><p>"This one isn't for me," Geralt grumbled.<br/>
</p><p>Both Yen and Triss looked at him like they expected him to elaborate. However, Geralt wasn't entirely sure how to explain what had just happened, so he didn't say anything.<br/>
</p><p>"Well, who is it for?"<br/>
</p><p>"Uh, Julian."<br/>
</p><p>Yen shook her head exasperatedly, but she didn't question him any further.<br/>
</p><p>"Well, tell Julian to enjoy his lunch, then."<br/>
</p><p>Geralt nodded and went in search of the trailers.<br/>
</p><p>As it turned out, it wasn't hard to find <i>the one with the flower on it.</i> A big yellow dandelion was painted on one of the trailers, and Geralt suddenly had a definite suspicion which of the bands Julian belonged to.<br/>
</p><p>He could hear voices inside, arguing loudly. Geralt sighed, then knocked on the door.<br/>
</p><p>"That's my food!"<br/>
</p><p>Julian's voice was muffled but still audible. A moment later, the door was opened and Geralt found himself face to face with the gorgeous young man.<br/>
</p><p>"Oh, you're a saint, thank you so much!"<br/>
</p><p>Julian practically ripped the proffered bread out of Geralt's hands.<br/>
</p><p>"Would you like to have a drink with me? After our gig?"<br/>
</p><p>Again, Geralt's brain didn't seem to be functioning correctly. Was this beautiful man... asking him out? No, that couldn't be it. He probably just meant it as a gesture of gratitude.<br/>
</p><p>"Hmm," Geralt finally said.<br/>
</p><p>"Great! We'll be on stage until, like, nine, I think? Wait, you'd better give me your number, I don't want to lose out on <i>another</i> date."<br/>
</p><p>He took his phone out of his pocket, and Geralt was still very much preoccupied with the fact that he had just heard the word <i>date</i>. It had undeniably been <i>date</i>.<br/>
</p><p>Julian looked at Geralt expectantly, and Geralt remembered that he was supposed to give him his number. Right. Fortunately, he managed to say the digits in the correct order.<br/>
</p><p>"What's your name?"<br/>
</p><p>"Geralt."<br/>
</p><p>Julian saved the contact info, then smiled at him.<br/>
</p><p>"I'm Julian, nice to meet you."<br/>
</p><p>"Uh, you too."<br/>
</p><p>"I'm sorry I don't have time right now... I'll text you!"<br/>
</p><p>He winked, then shut the door again, leaving Geralt standing there, very confused and a little hopeful.</p><p>**</p><p>The rest of the afternoon passed in nervous anticipation for Geralt.<br/>
</p><p>He had been looking forward to the big stunt and fight choreography, but found his mind wandering during the performance, even though said performance was one of the best he'd ever seen.<br/>
</p><p>Yen seemed a little concerned, but she was mostly preoccupied with her own relationship troubles, telling Geralt all about her feelings on Triss not wanting children during <i>Madame Tissaia's Magic Show</i>. Fortunately, Yen was used to Geralt not saying too much.<br/>
</p><p>Finally, it was time for the performance of <i>The Dandelions</i>. After loudly complaining about the band's horrible name, Yennefer told Geralt she wanted to talk to Triss again, and was gone before the band even came out on stage.<br/>
</p><p>The crowd was substantial, and Geralt kept to the back, wanting to avoid being surrounded by so many people. It wasn't like he was a fan of the band, so he didn't mind, he was just curious to see their performance. And, well, maybe he also wanted to get a glimpse of a certain someone.<br/>
</p><p>The band was greeted by loud cheering, and maybe Geralt had underestimated their popularity? Well, no matter.<br/>
</p><p>"Good evening, Rivia!" That was a voice he definitely knew. He did a double take, and yes: the man currently speaking into the microphone was Julian, still in his absurd outfit. It made sense now, though: the other members of the band were dressed in similar clothes. Maybe it was some sort of schtik.<br/>
</p><p>"For those of you who don't know us, I'm Jaskier, on bass we have León, back there's Mandrel, that's our pianist, Zhabinë, and we are the Dandelions!"<br/>
</p><p>More cheering.<br/>
</p><p>The concert was good. Really good, actually. Julian's—<i>Jaskier's</i>—voice was beautiful, much better live than on the recordings. Geralt found himself listening raptly, and was actually quite glad that Yennefer wasn't there to made rude comments. He loved her dearly, but sometimes she could be a lot.<br/>
</p><p>Deep down, Geralt assumed that Julian wouldn't contact him after the show. The thing with the bread had been hours ago, he hadn't heard from him and Julian didn't have any reason to actually make good on his promise. After the show, he would probably be too busy to think of Geralt.<br/>
</p><p>And that was okay, Geralt told himself, being alone suited him just fine, he didn't <i>need</i> anyone. Yes, Julian was hot, but there were plenty of other attractive men out there. No need to get hung up on someone he barely knew.</p><p>**</p><p>When his phone did chime twenty minutes after the show, Geralt was honestly surprised.<br/>
</p><p><i>hi, sorry i took so long,</i> Julian had written. <i>crazy crowd tonight! meet at the mead stand in 10? xx julian</i><br/>
</p><p>There was a flutter in Geralt's heart as he confirmed the time.<br/>
</p><p>He gave Yen his sword and scabbard for safe-keeping, then made his way over to the stand.<br/>
</p><p>The mead stand was overrun by people, most of them probably having come here straight after the Dandelions' performance. Geralt kept a little distance, so he didn't get lost in the crowd.<br/>
</p><p>It was easy to spot Julian, he was still wearing his incredible outfit, minus the hat, but when he came closer, Geralt could see that he definitely looked a little less put together than before, and a bit more tired. No wonder: He had been on stage for over an hour.<br/>
</p><p>"Hi, Geralt!"<br/>
</p><p>The man waved enthusiastically, and Geralt nodded at him.<br/>
</p><p>"So, how about some mead?"<br/>
</p><p>Geralt eyed the throng of people.<br/>
</p><p>"I'm not... uh, good with crowds."<br/>
</p><p>"Alright, then," Julian replied with a smile. "Who needs alcohol, anyway? Come on."<br/>
</p><p>He took Geralt's hand, like it was the most natural thing in the world, and lead him away from the mass of people. Geralt followed him, feeling once more like he had been hit over the head and was unable to think straight. What was this man doing to him?<br/>
</p><p>"There's a nice spot right over there behind those trees with a view of the city," Julian told him. "I hope nobody else has found it yet. Last time I wanted to take somebody there, we ran into like three couples, and let me tell you, that did not set the right mood. Mind you, that was two years ago, and I can only hope those couples have all broken up and aren't coming back here."<br/>
</p><p>Geralt listened to Julian ramble, he did really like his voice. And Julian didn't seem to expect him to respond at length, which was refreshing. In a flash of panic, Geralt suddenly realised that Julian was still holding his hand, and wondered if it was weird and whether he should let go—but he didn't want to let go, and Julian didn't seem uncomfortable. Quite the opposite, actually, judging by the way he was still talking animatedly.<br/>
</p><p>"And Marcus is going to be the death of me, I mean, he's a solid enough bassist but, well, you saw what happened. Can't even get anything to eat around that guy."<br/>
</p><p>This reminded Geralt of something he'd been meaning to ask.<br/>
</p><p>"What's with your stage names, anyway?"<br/>
</p><p>Julian looked at him, rolling his eyes.<br/>
</p><p>"I <i>know</i> they don't all exactly translate to dandelion, but come on! Nobody notices that."<br/>
</p><p>Geralt was taken aback, because that was somehow an answer and also not an answer.<br/>
</p><p>"Wait, so they were all supposed to be translations of dandelion?"<br/>
</p><p>"Yep," Julian said happily. "Between you and me, though? In most languages, the word for dandelion is actually hideous. We shortened the Spanish one a bit, and Steph's and mine translate to buttercup, but you know, most people don't even get the joke in the first place, so who cares."<br/>
</p><p>He laughed easily, making Geralt's heart beat faster. This was either the best or the worst thing that had ever happened to him.<br/>
</p><p>"Well, here we are," Julian announced a few moments later, when they stepped out of the cluster of trees.<br/>
</p><p>He hadn't promised too much: The view of Rivia was actually gorgeous, dusk settling over the city, thousands of tiny lights below them.<br/>
</p><p>"This is my favorite spot of this whole faire," Julian told him secretively. "But don't tell my colleagues, they all think my favorite spot is the stage."<br/>
</p><p>He flashed a grin at Geralt, then sat down on the soft grass, letting go of Geralt's hand in the process.<br/>
</p><p>Geralt sat down next to him, suddenly not quite sure what to do with himself. He took in the view of the city, wondering whether Julian expected him to say anything, but when he looked over at the other man, Julian was leaning back on his elbows, utterly at ease, a smile playing about his lips.<br/>
</p><p>"So, since I couldn't buy you a drink as thanks, how about a blowjob instead?"<br/>
</p><p>Geralt stared at him, not sure whether he was joking.<br/>
</p><p>"Uh, what?" He choked out, finally.<br/>
</p><p>The way Julian looked at him was quite gentle, actually.<br/>
</p><p>"I want to blow you," he explained patiently, "if you're into that."<br/>
</p><p>"Because I bought you some food? Uh, no thanks."<br/>
</p><p>Geralt couldn't really put it into words, but he absolutely didn't want somebody to have sex with him just because they felt they owed it to him. There was something supremely wrong about that concept.<br/>
</p><p>Julian actually laughed.<br/>
</p><p>"No, not because of the food. Because I think you're hot and I want to."<br/>
</p><p>Again, Geralt's brain didn't seem to be working right.<br/>
</p><p>"Oh," he just said.<br/>
</p><p>Julian sighed.<br/>
</p><p>"Steph always tells me I'm coming on too strong," he told Geralt, but this time, the lightness in his voice did seem forced for the first time that evening. "Don't worry about it, just forget I said anything."<br/>
</p><p>"No, uh, you just surprised me," Geralt said, desperately trying to communicate that he didn't want to forget about it. "And I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything, that wouldn't be right."<br/>
</p><p>Julian's face brightened instantly.<br/>
</p><p>"Oh, I knew you really were very sweet under that gruff exterior," he grinned. "Can I kiss you?"<br/>
</p><p>Geralt nodded, and moments later, Julian's lips were on his own. They were warm and soft and made Geralt forget about everything else.<br/>
</p><p>He pulled Julian closer, and the man responded easily to his touch, eager and pliable, and Geralt could feel butterflies inside his stomach.<br/>
</p><p>When Geralt started to unbutton Julian's jacket, Julian stopped him, however.<br/>
</p><p>"Oh, I can see where this is going, and no way. I called dibs on blowing you first!"<br/>
</p><p>This actually made Geralt laugh, which didn't happen often.<br/>
</p><p>"Alright, fair point."</p><p>**</p><p>Quite a while later, Julian was lying in Geralt's arms, and Geralt wondered how holding him could feel so natural, like he had been doing it all his life. Like Julian belonged there.<br/>
</p><p>"So, are you?"<br/>
</p><p>"Am I what?"<br/>
</p><p>Geralt nodded towards the discarded pants next to them.<br/>
</p><p>"Art thou nasty?"<br/>
</p><p>Julian stared up at him.<br/>
</p><p>"What, you have to <i>ask</i>? Then I must have done everything wrong here, tonight."<br/>
</p><p>This made Geralt laugh again.<br/>
</p><p>"Well, our tour ends in two weeks," Julian continued. "After that, I'm happy to come visit you and show you just how nasty I can be."<br/>
</p><p>"Seriously?"<br/>
</p><p>Julian looked at him, clearly not joking any more.<br/>
</p><p>"Yeah, if you want?"<br/>
</p><p>Geralt nodded.<br/>
</p><p>"Yes."<br/>
</p><p>"Great," Julian said with a grin. "Prepare for the worst."<br/>
</p><p>Geralt kissed Julian again, and finally decided that this was definitely the best thing that had ever happened to him.</p>
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